An Act of Aggression

May 26, 2008 admin Leadership, MGuhlin.net, Transformation, Transparency

Source: http://www.diversityactions.com/images/button.gif

An undiscussable is a work-related problem that people hesitate to
address with those who can do something about it. It isn’t that people
don’t talk about undiscussables. They talk about them frequently — in
the hallways and parking lots, bathrooms and across the cubicles. But it
isn’t with the person or the people most often associated with the
issues. AKA "the dead moose on the table," it’s what people come out of
a meeting to share with one another privately that should have been part
of the agenda.
Source: Unfolding
Leadership

In every organization, there’s is that which must not be spoken of. We
spend our time avoiding it. It is a truth that some know but will not
share. It is a truth that exists but no one acknowledges but everyone
lives by. It is a truth that results in exile, that is never spoken
because those who know it would rather use it as a weapon against those
they are responsible for and to. In fact, it is to phrase these truths
in inoffensive ways that administrators spend hours crafting a 2-3
paragraph memo or email.

In these organizations, the undiscussables are just so because they are
too ridiculous to speak aloud, so obvious in their deceitfulness, their
duplicity, that to "put the skunk on the table" is to get yourself fired
or to be excluded. I’ve experienced it and seen it happen. And, I can
think of no better reason to end up ostracized or dismissed from
service. But really, who wants that? I have a family to support, not to
mention 2 dogs, a house, vehicles, credit card companies, as well as the
all-important U.S. economy on my back. What to do about truth-telling?

At Unfolding
Leadership, the following
suggestions are made:

Begin by identifying to yourself the undiscussable that needs to be
addressed.
Introduce the topic to the group as a possibility for discussion.
When you get there, start by talking about how to discuss any
undiscussable. First, establish ground rules, and don’t be naive
about them. Don’t say, for example, that we will "separate the problem
from the person." It’s poppycock. If we could have done that, the
issue wouldn’t have become undiscussable. Instead, help the group
agree to rules that are about staying open at tough moments,
maintaining vulnerability, mutual learning, respect, forgiveness, and
support, being willing to listen and disclose, and using one’s freedom
to identify feelings not act them out. Second, establish a plan for
the conversation itself.
Have the conversation. If you use the facts, perceptions, feelings
model, write this stuff down on three (or more) flipcharts or on a
white board. Sort out the facts and perceptions first, then focus on
the feelings the perceptions are driving. Stick to the process and
keep it moving. It may feel risky to get even this far, so as leader
you’ll need to show that you are with the group by asking questions,
thanking folks for speaking up, probing to help people articulate what
bothers them the most, and, for sure, owning your part of the problem.
Move to action planning and decisions.
Follow-up. Don’t let the issue drop just because people got a chance
to talk about it. Rather, bring people together again later to
collectively assess progress on the action steps.

Having gone through this process a few times, and I won’t give myself
more than a "B" for a grade and that’s probably three grades too high,
it’s step 3 that’s the hardest. Each of us is wrapped up in the
problem…we either actively contributed to it then realized that the
contribution was a mistake, or deep down, we still think this is THE
only way to be successful but realize it’s not working. Telling the
truth means letting it work its power on you, too, not just everyone
else.

Nicholas Humphrey wrote, "To speak the truth among people who do
not want to hear it is considered almost an aggressive act–an invasion
of privacy, a trespass into someone else’s space. Not nice, not done."
My experiences lead me to the idea that speaking the truth IS always an
aggressive act to those who prefer to dwell in lies. Regrettably,
sometimes each of us may find him/her-self in such a fragile dwelling.

Diane (Journeys) asks a question in a comment that I consider to be
naive. Yes, naive. I do not write that to be rude, but rather as a
measure of my own "jadedness." I who stand on the other side of youth,
who look back to where Diane is standing, know the reality of these
truths that go unspoken.

My question is: if they didn’t have time to adequately study the new
proposal, why did the Board approve it? Seems unprofessional, to
say the least.

They approved it because they wanted to get it over with. They approved
it because they’d tried to have a conversation and wouldn’t commit to
letting go of their own agendas. Perhaps, they honestly disagreed and
appreciated the underhandedness of one group sneaking a copy in…maybe
it’s easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility for
working through the issues?

Yes, it was unprofessional. It is far better to lie, to deceive, to
maneuver and spring an attack. The only problem is that we’re educators.
What we do reflects on who we are, and impacts how we interact with our
students and those we lead.

For me, there is only one answer for such unprofessionalism. The easy
answer is to leave, the harder, to remain and face it. While some claim
that leaving is possible–in some cases, you just don’t have a
choice–it is far more important to remain and to speak the truth. To
proclaim it from the mountains, to shine a spotlight on what is there.
Yes, it is unprofessional, Diane. But, those are the games people play.
Now, we have an option.

Used to be, if you wanted to get a message out into the market, you
would give a talk at a conference, a reporter would write down some of
what you said and mangle the rest, and you’d call it a day. Or, you
could shortcut the process by simply giving an interview to the reporter
and letting him mangle what you said directly. These days, you have the
option of staying home, blogging in your underwear, and not having your
words mangled. I think I like the direction things are headed. Mid-year
resolution #1: No more public speaking. Mid-year resolution #2: More
blogging.
Source: Marc
Andreessen

Yet, the one lesson I have to keep in mind is that if one commits to
staying, to making a difference, then problems must be resolved. Simply,
my goal isn’t to prove the other person wrong, to show them up as a
liar, but to find better ways to work together. It is a hard lesson, one
that I am ever reminding myself to practice.